J-O-Y

Tonight I cried.

I thought back to that day I found out I was pregnant. THAT was a day of crying. October 16, 2009. Alan and I had been married just one day shy of 5 months. And I was late. Very late. I took two pregnancy tests (because I didn't believe the first one that said I was positive. I swore it was lying.) just to be sure, and we knew it was true. I sat stunned. And I cried. I am often known for spouting off and quoting my thoughts and opinions on pretty much everything, and I am often humbled when God does something different than "my plan," but this, this was an entirely different ballpark. 2 years we said we'd wait to start trying to have kids. That I was adamant on, but after almost 5 months of marriage, there I sat, crying, over (as one dear friend puts it) "the death of my expectations."

A week and a half later, and still a lot shocked, I went for my first OB appt. and got yet another surprise- TWINS. I cried that day too. Not just one baby, which I was beginning to think was more than manageable, but two. Two babies. Twins.

Fast forward 16 weeks through all the days spent vomitting, the IV's, the belly pics and fun maternity clothes, to today, January 12, I cried again alltogether for a different reason.

You see when the death of my expectations occured, something more beautiful was born. Life. Two tiny little humans being formed inside of me. This week they've been kicking... a lot. Last night Alan got to feel them for the first time- we both laughed and he had the sweetest grin on his face that I wish I could have captured for all eternity. God has bore a whole new kind of joy in me. One that eagerly awaits our babies arrivals. To imagine that our heavenly father has blessed us with double miracles that will cling to us for their every need! I daydream about walking them to the park and spreading out a big blanket for us all to lay on as I read to them and teach them about our God in everything that surrounds us. What a joy to know we have an eager audience awaiting all we have to give them. I am amazed and in awe of this life He's creating and with each little kick or jab, I find it wonderful and delightful.

In the death of my expectations, our God has restarted my heart, and refueled my passion for all things Him. To love and know Him and to grow in knowledge and depth of insight so I may pass it on to our children that they may know and follow after our Lord. It's as if the world is in full bloom all around me. There are many mountains and valleys in our walk; I am fully aware of that, but today I am so thankful for the mountain He has set me on.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11